These are neither drunken, nor random per se, but simply thoughts that go through my mind on late nights like this, forgive me please if they seem to ramble on a bit, or to veer sharply close to the edge of a steep cliff. My mind is a magical thing, a wonderous thing with twists and turns like the House of Usher. Everything kept so neatly, so very tidily in their own little cabinets. Worries for later. Concerns for now. An entire desk devoted simply to thoughts of my E. A veritable maze of filing cabinets and a pile of folders, some old, dusty and barely looked through, some far too well-leafed through that the pages grow fragile.
Why in god’s name and the heaven and the earth above would I ever in a million millenia want to go back to school? Whatever would posses me to put myself through that again? The stress, the anxiety, the knowledge that this is costing so much money that if I screw it up I might as well light a pile of cash on fire.
But can I really go on living the life that I want to live without going on for more education?
What would i go back to school for? English? History? Literature? There was that interesting sounding masters program at the University of Auckland that I saw. Two of them really, one on Medieval europe and the other on Museum and cultural studies.
It would be kinda neat to work in a museum. But don’t you have to know something about what is in the museum to start with? How could I ever get by with working at say the auckland Museum? I know nothing about Maori art, and even less about the history of New Zealand.
so what do I want to do with my life? Go back to school? Get married and have children? find a career that fits with me? But at that point, what fits with me? what, or who, exactly am I and what do I want from my life?
I know I want happiness. I know that I want to live with E. I know that I want to not be stuck in Delaware. I know that I think I want to open a tea shop, but I don’t know that I’m ready for that commitment. I know that I want to lose the weight that I’ve been fighting with. I know that to lose the weight, it’s going to be a long and hard battle and it will probably hurt. I know that I am in love with E, and that moving to be with him is the right thing.
But none of that tells me anything about who I want to be either now or in the future. I have my resume all typed up (needs polishing on some appearance issues), but I fit onto three pages. But none of that covers anything for what I’m looking for.
I’m almost 30. Shouldn’t I know by now what I want to be when I grow up?