Daily Archives: 09/01/2011


There are lots of thoughts and reaction that happened to me after I woke up yesterday morning to see that a congresswoman had been shot.


Anger, fear, irritation, sadness.


And yes, there was some major instantaneous reaction against the right-wing in my country and the political drama and troubles that can be stirred up by people in power.


But after thinking about it, and thinking long and had about it all together, I have come to a rather dramatic conclusion.


Dude was crazy.


yes, it probably was helped and fueled by the wild and crazy rhetoric and drama and anger on both sides of the political spectrum in this country.  Yes, it was probably aided by whatever dog whistles he heard or didn’t hear.


But it doesn’t change the fact that he was crazy to start with.  He needed help.  And according to most reports, he’d been needing help for a few years.


He didn’t get the help that he needed.  There was no apparatus readily available to help him.  Mental health in this country is still under the same stigma as it used to be when women were all classified as ‘hysterical’ and everybody was put into sanitariums.


Health care in this country is abominable but will hopefully start to get better.  Mental Health care is even worse and it needs to be looked at even more closely now.


This shooter, the shooter at Fort Hood last year, Timothy McVeigh, the man that killed Dr. Tiller, all of them could have benefited from better mental health care.


Would they all have snapped anyway?  Possibly.  But there is no way to really be sure.  How many more tragedies can be prevented by making mental health care not only less expensive, but also less stigmatized.


Yes, there will be some flak as a result of angry rhetoric and probably even some pushing for a reexamination of the gun laws.  But one of the important things to take away from this, as with almost all of the previous shootings, tragedies, and assassinations in this nation.


People be crazy.



These are my thoughts at the moment.  and I’m sure that they will change and evolve over time.


But the other important thing to remember. The Congresswoman was not the only victim.  There are several others dead, and many more wounded.


It’s one thing entirely to say that you are a confident person.  It’s another thing to put that confidence on display for the whole world to see it.  it’s a completely different thing to actually believe that you are as confident as you say you are and as you show you are.


How is it that I can know in my deepest mind that I am a beautiful, wonderful, kind, gentle, and loving person.  I am a fantastic friend. I am smart, sexy, and just all around fantastic.  I can get along with just about any type of person and I am somebody that you can trust.


How is it that I can know all of that, but still have doubts in myself and my self-worth.  I am beautiful, just not as beautiful as they.  I am smart, but only half as smart as he.  I am kind and loving, but is it enough?  I do have an education, but is it the right kind? I have a degree, but is it useless?  I am a hard worker, but will anybody see past the obesity and the accent?  I am a fast learner, but will anybody give me the chance to prove that?


I am getting scared. nervous.  anxious. I worry that for whatever reason, we won’t fit as naturally long term as we do short.  I worry that his friends will think he’s settling for less because he hasn’t found the right one yet.


I also worry that i’m worrying to much, going to give myself an ulcer, and be unable to do what i want to do when I get to where I want to be.


Deeeeeeep Breath In.

Deeeeeeep Breath Out.


Ok, here we go, confidence building exercises 101.  I am a beautiful woman. Strong, confident, sexy. I am friendly and kind and loving. There is nothing about me that is not easy to love.  Being American is not a sin, so long as I am not an arrogant Prick (which i’m not).  being Obese is not something to discriminate against me for, and i won’t be Obese forever.


E and I are happy.  we are in love. And being together in person was amazing, and fit so perfectly, that even in a long run if there are certain missteps along the way, it will still be dandy.  Perfect with a few hiccups is still amazing, as a friend has said.


I can conquer my fear. I can conquer my doubts, and I can conquer this new life.  All of it.  Sun and Sand and lack of Snow.


Look out, New Zealand, in 31 days I make you mine.