self-doubt

It’s one thing entirely to say that you are a confident person.  It’s another thing to put that confidence on display for the whole world to see it.  it’s a completely different thing to actually believe that you are as confident as you say you are and as you show you are.

 

How is it that I can know in my deepest mind that I am a beautiful, wonderful, kind, gentle, and loving person.  I am a fantastic friend. I am smart, sexy, and just all around fantastic.  I can get along with just about any type of person and I am somebody that you can trust.

 

How is it that I can know all of that, but still have doubts in myself and my self-worth.  I am beautiful, just not as beautiful as they.  I am smart, but only half as smart as he.  I am kind and loving, but is it enough?  I do have an education, but is it the right kind? I have a degree, but is it useless?  I am a hard worker, but will anybody see past the obesity and the accent?  I am a fast learner, but will anybody give me the chance to prove that?

 

I am getting scared. nervous.  anxious. I worry that for whatever reason, we won’t fit as naturally long term as we do short.  I worry that his friends will think he’s settling for less because he hasn’t found the right one yet.

 

I also worry that i’m worrying to much, going to give myself an ulcer, and be unable to do what i want to do when I get to where I want to be.

 

Deeeeeeep Breath In.

Deeeeeeep Breath Out.

 

Ok, here we go, confidence building exercises 101.  I am a beautiful woman. Strong, confident, sexy. I am friendly and kind and loving. There is nothing about me that is not easy to love.  Being American is not a sin, so long as I am not an arrogant Prick (which i’m not).  being Obese is not something to discriminate against me for, and i won’t be Obese forever.

 

E and I are happy.  we are in love. And being together in person was amazing, and fit so perfectly, that even in a long run if there are certain missteps along the way, it will still be dandy.  Perfect with a few hiccups is still amazing, as a friend has said.

 

I can conquer my fear. I can conquer my doubts, and I can conquer this new life.  All of it.  Sun and Sand and lack of Snow.

 

Look out, New Zealand, in 31 days I make you mine.

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