So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. About myself, about this blog, about my family and everything in between. It seems that while I know quite a bit about a lot of things, I don’t know as much as I thought I did.
Apparently, blogging is something that you can do to earn trips and awards, to get money and to get people interested in you and your stuff and opinions. Now, I’ve had a blog in one form or another for quite some time now, and it used to just be like an online journal, a diary, a place to dump your thoughts of the day onto, your emotions, feelings and that one little thing you wish you coulda said but knew you shouldn’t have.
Now, it seems that those blogs are the things of the past. And I can see that, i can understand that. I can even come to grips with the fact that nobody wants to really read about somebody else’s inner struggles, personal demons, deepest thoughts and rudest giggles of the day.
So the question is, what direction do I go? how to I stick to this blog as something that I want to do, want to keep updated, make it fast and fresh and fun and exciting and maybe get people to read it, all while not scaring people away with my innermost demons?
Do I go the path of, “New Year, New Me, New Zealand”? That was a thought. All about the first year spent in new zealand, struggling to make a new life for myself, pushing myself t get better than I was.
Do I go down the road towards fitness? I plan on using this new start as a way to find the size 12 me inside. I’ll be happy to start with getting to a size 20, but I wouldn’t complain to see a size 12.
Do I go in the direction of my passion? Do I reach for any and every kind of tea that i can find, steep it, drink it, and then write about it? Do I use this to get myself free samples of tea, and maybe trips to exotic places to find out about tea? Do I go for it in the most business minded way that I can and maybe lose all my love for what I do?
Do I do a combination of the above? And keep the inner monologues of doubt, pain, emotional trauma and hardships to myself, or to another blog entirely?
Do I keep going as I am, blogging about everything and nothing and hitting everywhere in between in hopes that even my mad ramblings about being a cello and missing the stars, and being a fat girl in search of the truest love she’s ever known will hit a chord with somebody? that somewhere, some girl with as many self esteem problems as I used to have will find this blog and realize that there is life after puberty, high school, college, your early 20’s.
I really don’t know quite what to do about it. I feel that I should go into a different realm, another direction, a way of grabbing people and getting them to ready what I have to say and know that while it might not be about shoes and cupcakes, about running marathons and just generally being amazing, every voice still has a sound.
So once again, I lack the poetic brevity of some. I type and type and the words are both pedestrian and eloquent in their usage and tone. I am not the next great novelist, nor the next best baker or even a world renowned journalist. Trying to find my voice, my niche, myself, my direction amid all the chaotic ruckus that surrounds me.