Oh man, would you look at that. I made it to post #100.
Not too bad, all things considered.
I had all sorts of ideas for this post. To talk about some of the vocabulary differences that I’ve picked up while down here. To discuss the ongoing difficulties of being an immigrant. Maybe even to talk about the amazing roast chicken that I made last night.
But I think, for such a momentous post, a marker in fame one might say, that it could be a good time to get to know more about my head, and what goes on in it.
Now, granted, I have no real hopes that this will go anywhere fascinating, no real dreams that anybody really cares, but at the same time, this blog is more for me to be me than for any other purpose.
I love food. I Love writing. I love my boyfriend. I love life.
It took me a long time to get to that last point. I’ve always loved food. and I’ve always loved to write. And whatever boyfriend I’ve had at any given stage in my life I have always loved him. But it took me a long time to get to the point of loving life.
What’s so different now than before? Why now at the glorious age of 29 do I suddenly realize that I love being alive?
Because i’m finally happy. With myself, my family, my friends, and my life. I’m happy. Could my life be better? Yes. I could win the Lotto and have millions of dollars and not want for anything. Could my life be worse? Yes. And it has been. But neither of those lives are what I have right now. And I’m happy right now.
Yes, I want to get a job. yes, I want to contribute to this household more than cooking food and doing laundry. Yes, I want my own money to spend and save my own ways. So yes, life could be, in specific, better and I could be happier.
But, in general. I have a man who loves me, supports me (not just financially but also emotionally), and finds me fun to be with. I have a family that also loves and supports me, even from far away. I have friends that think I’m crazy, but they are loving my life along with me.
I am happy.
It’s taken a while, a long while, to be happy. Growing up, I was always the fat kid,the jewish kid, the odd one out. Even in high school and university, I was one of the strange ones, slightly outside what I should have been. Don’t get me wrong, going to Rutgers and working at the theatre there was one of the best experiences of my life and I miss my guys and the life that we had. But that was for a younger time and a younger me. A much younger me.
I can’t quite put it into words, although I sure am struggling to find a way to do so. What makes this so different from then. I was happy then. I was also much younger and not that much smarter. So why now?
It could be because of the period after Rutgers and before now. Where I was in a good spot but it got messed up. Where the happiness turned to dust and so did everything else I had.
I’ve tasted poverty. I’ve tasted that metallic tang in your mouth that happens when you’re afraid to answer the phone. I’ve had the heart failures and the catch of breath every time you see a police officer, positive that this time, they’re going to arrest you for bounced checks and back bills. I’ve known what its like to go begging for help, any help, just a little bit of help is all that I need, and to be turned down. I’ve been in the position where the best thing to look forward to was that extra gallon of milk from a friend’s WIC,because it meant that I would be getting some form of protein.
I’ve been to the bottom of the barrel, staring at the $300 paycheck in my hand, the $800 bills, and the $400 negative in my bank account. I’ve been there. I’ve been to the point where at times just giving up on it all seemed like the only option left.
But I didn’t.
I think that’s why this Happy is so Happy. Because I have lived past and through so much more. I know that a job will happen. I know that everything will be ok. And I know that even if it’s not ok, I can survive it. I’ve done it before. I can do it again.
Not exactly what I had intended to type up today, but for me that’s the beauty of this blog. I can be myself and type my heart and my mind and maybe somebody somewhere will read what I’ve written. And maybe somebody somewhere will be helped by what I have said.
I had a thought last night, while wandering the flat in that drunken ‘i should be long since asleep’ state that happens at times. And there was this title of something rolling around in my head. “Growing up Me”. Now, I have no idea what it is, what it will be, or anything like that. But something in my head wants me to write this.
and i think, with a new perspective on what I know about me and who I am, I think now would be a good time to do so.
So for those of you who have been with me through all 100 posts so far, thank you. For those of you who are just joining in, this may not be what you’ve come to expect from a blog on the internet, but thank you for stopping by anyways.
Onto the future, and to Growing up Me. Whatever that means.