crap crap crap.
My sleep has been going back down the tubes again the last few nights. Even last night, after an exhausting day of cleaning and then going to the gym, you would have thought that I could actually get some sleep. Nope.
My brain just seems to be refusing to shut itself down. But why? What could I possibly be thinking about that makes it so that I don’t sleep even when I should be exhausted? Well there really has been a lot going on, some of which is quite daunting and will be the subject of a longer blog post as soon as I figure out how and what to write.
The one big thing though, has been Nanowrimo, and the fact that it’s two weeks away and I’m less prepared than ever before. In fact, I am so much less prepared because I am now doubting what I want to write. For the last 5 years I have basically used Nano and the month of November as a means to gather background information on my fantasy world, Ahlterra, together out of my brain. Nano has been 5 years of 50,000 words of research documents for this world. That’s 250,000 words of research for a world that is still not fully developed in order to tell a story that I haven’t even started to write yet. So this year was going to be installment 6, a focus on another character, another background, another setting, and more information being pulled from the depths of my imagination in order to complete this bloody research so I can get on with actually crafting the real novel.
But then, the other day, in a fit of insanity that I was having about myself, my life, and my future as a worthwhile partner for the most awesome and fantastic man in the world, my handsome and loving partner made a suggestion that I start to write something of a life story. Just as a thing. I didn’t think anything of it then, i was too far deep into my period of self-hate and loathing. But now, I can’t get this idea out of my head.
I even have a potentially working title! “Locating the Lightswitch: One Woman’s Journey Past Being Young and Stupid”.
that’s almost all that I have on it right now, but it would probably end up being a stylized look back on my life, and just when the ‘young and stupid’ phase started and when it started to end. With little anecdotes and funny tales, and even trying to make tragedy a laughing matter.
I’m not sure how I would do it, what it would end up as, or if I could even get it to work at all. But, but… it won’t go away! My head is spinning with this idea. I lay down last night, exhausted beyond belief and then suddenly, it’s there, bouncing in my head these thoughts and half-drunk ideas wandering in like stray cats and then chasing the cobwebs away. And then suddenly, I’m awake again, the night is too hot, the blankets suffocating, and not even the relaxing harp music on the cd player, the oscillating fan, or the rain outside was enough to lull me back into a stupid state of slumber. It’s only the knowing crush of being completely exhausted that finally pushes my head into the pillow and smothers me into sleep.
As you can tell, I’m already practicing my ‘creative’ use of the language. I just don’t know what for yet. Do I keep doing the research in my head? Or do I turn out something completely different from anything I’ve ever written and try to turn it into something for real? I think that until I get this question answered, my nights of sleep are going to be difficult and tenuous. Until I can no longer stay awake and my brain just collapses from exhaustion.