Heartbreak

Heartbreak is not something that I’m a stranger to.  I’ve felt those pangs of suffering, loss, and anger many times.  But none quite so deeply as I have in the last year.  I am a woman blessed to be loved by a man as wonderful as E.  I am a woman blessed to have another chance to give my love to somebody else.  I am a woman blessed to have the love of my family and my many assorted friends.  But I am also heartbroken.

 

It was the right decision to leave Maine.  It was the right decision to come home and start over again. It was the right decision to finally admit to myself that I was no longer in love with the guy that I was with. It was the right decision to finally end the relationship after seven years.

 

And it was the right decision to close myself off from everything to do with him and memories of him.

 

Sadly, depressingly, that meant closing myself off from his sister.  And her husband.  And their children.  And if there is ever a decision in my life that I regret, it’s not being a strong enough person to keep in tough with them.

 

I regret not being strong enough to separate the love that I had for K and her babies from the failed mess of my relationship with C.  I regret not being strong enough to fight through the flashbacks of being hungry, being afraid, being broke and at the bottom of the ditch in order to stay in touch with those babies.

 

J is going to be 5 years old this year, D will be 2, and I regret leaving those two babies behind more than anything I’ve ever done in my life.

 

I know that I did what I had to do for myself and my own health. I know that in order to be who i am today, I had to break out of who I was back then.  But I will regret not being stronger.

 

I know the likelihood of K or the babies ever seeing this post is smaller than a breadbox and probably just as common, but I have to get it out of my mind and off my chest.

 

I’m sorry, K. I’m sorry for not being the strong sister you thought I was. I’m sorry that I hurt you and N and the babies. I am dreadfully sorry and I know my apologies will fall on deaf ears and mean nothing so long after the fact, but they are meant with the most sincere voice ever.

 

I’m sorry. I miss you guys. I love you all.